Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
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This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
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The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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