You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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