Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
