we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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