having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
