i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
