well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
