There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
