You were right. It hurts to walk today.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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