I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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