i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
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Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.