Please, let me fuck your mom
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then