So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.