Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
