I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
