I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
