We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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