Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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