Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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