everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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