lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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