im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
home. puking in laundry basket.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize
