Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
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someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.