please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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