You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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