Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
