Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
