Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Still dying that you shit outside
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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