Pregnant stripper...not hot.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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