I just cut my nipple shaving
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
