Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
