Sober January is a disaster.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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