This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
