I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
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Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
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My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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