and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
