The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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