I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
