i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
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