The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
