he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
