I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
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There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
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Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
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