chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
