if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Vodka?
Forever.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
