im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
