from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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