So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
my being single is dangerous.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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