remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
