Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
