when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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