Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Of course I have a pirate flag
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
