she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
