Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
