apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I look better un-naked...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
There are leaves in my underwear?
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