you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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