Redeem this text for a blowjob
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.