Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking